Sweater Regreter

I threw out a sweater today
Actually donated it
Definitely too 21st century for that
Ecologically conscious
Made my imprint on the world with that donation

I regret it
I miss it already
Thought of going back
But it probably has that Goodwill smell on it now
It will never be the same
There is no going back

Like an easy breakup
It just happened
No tears were shed
We let go
I got my tax receipt
Cleared the score
Wrote it off

And now
Six hours later
Three martinis deep
Wondering who I would have become

Who did I think I was when I let that sweater go?
A sudden moment of bravery
Of atypical self-assuredness
I read a blog about cleaning out my closet
And I thought: “This is about who you are now. Who you can become.”
“This is about your unfulfilled potential.”
“That sweater is holding you back.”
Does it bring you joy?
How many orgasms do you feel entitled to in that sweater?
Is that number enough?
Who are you really?

Based on all my research
From waiting room magazines
The absence of that sweater in my life would make all the difference.
Yet here we are…

Sitting here on the floor…
Still uncertain of my larger purpose on this planet

I wonder what the sweater’s doing now
Buried in the bottom of some far-off plastic bin
Or maybe warming the heart of a homeless person already
Has the sweater found its purpose before me?
That’s totally unfair.

I bet the sweater’s super happy now.
It doesn’t have to put up with me any more
I was holding it back
Suddenly, there’s a bright new world out there for that sweater

Four martinis deep….
I wonder if it’s like the gnome from Amelie
It’s like in Paris by now
Seeing the world
Taking fabulous Instagram photos on its new owner

I could have been there
I could have done that
That trip was my destiny
Who the fuck is the bitch wearing my sweater in those photos?
I am blocking her.

Five martinis deep…
I feel terrible
I feel heavy
I thought this was supposed to feel like a big weight off my shoulders
I was going to be free of the old me
I just kinda feel like the old me tricked me
I’m such an idiot

Six martinis…
Do softer sweaters have more feelings than coarser sweaters? Cause they’re softer?
Are synthetic sweaters dead?
Is this how all my relationships are going to go for the rest of my life?

I threw out a sweater
To make my life better
But all I learned about me
Is I’m a sweater regreter.




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